The Syndicate UK -or- Neville Hits Wormtail with a Whiskey Bottle

Okay, so I’ve only watched the first episode, but I need to tell you about The Syndicate. First of all, it sounds like a mobster show, which it’s not. It’s a program about a group of down and out grocery shop employees who win the lottery. Now, with that description it sounds like a bit of a light-hearted jaunt. It’s not that either. It’s a drama revolving around the problems these five people have and how money can’t fix them.

                                                            Pictured: These five people. 

First there’s Stuart, who’s nominally our main character (though I understand that each episode focuses on a different character to explore them more in-depth). Stuart’s a boy with a good heart. He’s got a girlfriend called Amy, a son, and, by the end of the episode, a daughter. Stuart has been working his job at the Right Buy U (which I get the impression is a bit of a grocer meets 7-11) since he was fifteen and loves it. Amy doesn’t get along with Stuart’s mom, who is constantly belittling her in front of her son. Amy leaves Stuart, telling him that he needs to find a better job and a place for them to live if he wants them to be together. Reasonable enough, right? Unfortunately, the reason that Stuart has to live with his mom in the first place and has terrible credit is that Amy is a bit of a spender. Oh, and the Right Buy U is closing and they’re all getting laid off.

Stuart’s brother, Jamie (played by Neville Longbottom), appears to be pretty happy just watching whatever the British equivalent of Maury is and bumming around. He’s sensible enough, and charming, but has a bit of a sketchy past. In this universe, Neville used to be a bit of a drug addict. He wants to help his brother (and himself) by robbing the Right Buy U. In theory, he’ll pose as a robber, Stuart will open the safe and give him all the money, then Jamie will have some pocket money and Stuart will have the down-payment for a flat with Amy. Easy peasy.

                                                  Gran? Who taught you to use a phone?

Then we’ve got Leanne. On the surface, she’s a pretty basic single mother. She wishes she had more money so she could do nice things for her daughter, like take her to Disneyland. She works hard to support herself and her daughter and is the first to fill out an application for the store that’s being built over the Right Buy U. Leanne, however, has a dark past of sorts. Leanne isn’t her real name. She used to live in Wales before moving to Leeds. Her daughter’s father is still there, as far as she knows, and she seems concerned about him finding out where they are. Which will be tricky if she’s in all the papers for winning the lottery.

Denise, another of the employees at Right Buy U, is a middle-aged, portly woman with dubious teeth. She dresses atrociously and you can almost smell her through the screen. She also has a heart of gold. She’s got a couple of dogs that she loves very much and a husband she’s very devoted to. Denise worries a lot about her appearance, remarking on how she wishes she weren’t so ugly. Her husband ignores her and it’s implied that he’s cheating on her; he racks up a huge phone bill texting the same number that he’s very defensive about. Denise is the one that runs the lottery syndicate and picked the winning numbers. But can money buy love?

Last, we come to Bob. Bob is the kindly old store manager (played by Peter Pettigrew). He is very sympathetic to Stuart’s plight and honestly wishes he could help, but instead has to break the news that the shop is closing down. He and Denise were offered positions at another Right Buy U branch, but the other employees were not. Bob’s got two sons that never speak to him and refuse to help him in any way. And he needs help, as he’s been very dizzy lately and vomiting regularly, indicating some health issue we haven’t seen yet. Unfortunately, he has got a health issue we have seen, as Jamie puts him in a coma during the botched fake robbery.

Each of these characters has a problem that, on the surface, is easily solved by money. Needing a place to live, wanting not to work, desiring a better life for one’s child, wanting to be more conventionally attractive, not wanting to lose their job. But it’s all so much more complicated than that.

                             Loves a gold-digger, hiding from an ex, hates herself, wants drugs.

I am confident recommending The Syndicate, even though I've only seen the one episode so far. It's gripping. I cried. I was on the edge of my seat.

It's not at all what I expected from a show about some minimum wage shop workers who strike it rich. And that's a good thing. 

Edmund - Well Done You

Today, we talk about Edmund.

                                                                  These classy gents. 

You may notice that front and center there is one Arthur Darvill (or as the Whovians know him: Rory Williams, Rory the Roman, The Last Centurion, etc). I admit that I decided to check out Edmund because I'm a fan of Mr. Darvill and was curious. What I didn't expect is for them to be good. (I suppose I have an inherent distrust for shaggy-haired hipsters holding acoustic guitars.)

Oh, yes, I'm sure your music is great...

The title of the only Edmund album I could find is "Well Done You." Are there others in existence? I don't know. It's also rather nebulous whether Rory...I mean Arthur...is still a member of Edmund, or even if they're still together at all. Side note: Edmund was named by Mr. Darvill after his favorite character in The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. 

Overall, the album features generally upbeat music (with a couple exceptions). The lyrics range from downright maudlin to happy and hopeful. The bridge and coda of each song tends to be more slow and melancholic. The vocals provided by Arthur are very emotive; you can hear the smiles and tears in every line, as if each song was torn from his heart, still bleeding and squirming. 

There are ten tracks on this album and I'll give you a short breakdown of each. 

Maps + Charts features touching and relatable lyrics laid over an upbeat, poppy tune. 

I know your face, even if I never see it again.

Breaking Into Houses has likely the most synthetic effects of any track on the album (aside from perhaps The Control). It contains an arrhythmic synth intro, vocal effects, and electronic sounds followed by a slow, sad piano outro.  

I'm tired of watching you watching me try to keep this smile inside; soon I'll burst into a thousand other smiles to cover you.

Hard to Believe is a rather melancholy song. Synth organs provide the bulk of the music, with heart-wrenching vocals. 

Did it always feel so bright here? I can hardly see from all your light. 

I Am The Chancer sounds similar to a lot of late 90s pop-punk (Attack! Attack! UK was brought to mind). It has a lot more guitar and real drums than many tracks on the album. 

I'll take my chances now, 'cuz you took your chances. 

Leave This City is another track featuring a synth organ as its main instrument. The lyrics are slow, but very hopeful in tone. 

We both know they could never burst our bubble. 

After Dark is a rather charming song; its synthy pseudo-music box tones and other electronic sounds give it an atmosphere that's both childish and a little creepy. 

With no violence, we sit in silence. 

Missing Out is very catchy, with lots of steady drum and rhythmic beats. The keyboard breakdown is very pleasant. Unfortunately, due to the pitch of Arthur's voice during the slower parts of the song and his accent (or my American ear), I couldn't understand all of the lyrics.

And I see you're missin' out. 

Running Jump is nearly triumphant in its nihilism. The piano is lovely and the lyrics are passionate. 

I've stopped seeing light; I can't look back, even if I tried. 

The Control is my favorite song on the album, musically. I'm a big fan of electronic music and The Control takes advantage of very synthy drum and bass, plus keyboard that ranges from low and melodic to upbeat and perky. The coda has some very discordant tone weaving. This is the only time you'll hear Arthur Darvill raise his voice (when he's not defending Amy.) 

I'm sorry, but you know that I'm not changing. 

Thoughts of Flight is the most catchy and pleasant song on this entire album. Its lyrics are sweet and loving, happy and full of hope. It has all of the elements that made UK pop-punk from the late 90s - early 00s so great. 

Could every time I breathe in be every time you breathe out?

"Well Done You" is a wonderful album, all told, with tracks that range from joyful to despondent, from electronic to acoustic. Unlike some bands that try to capture this kind of variety, Edmund hits every beat. I would go so far as to say that there is something that Edmund offers for nearly everyone.

"Well Done You" is available to listen to in its entirety on Spotify, though some of the track quality leaves something to be desired. You can also listen to the individual tracks on Youtube. 

Oh, and in case any of you needed more information about Arthur Darvill:

Scooby-Doo: The Movie

There is objectively nothing wrong with this film. The casting couldn’t have been better. Everyone acted their roles to an absolute tee. I’m fairly sure that Matthew Lillard is just Shaggy in real life.  

The plot is everything you would expect from a Scooby-Doo romp, but with enough actual plot to keep it going for an hour and a half. There are several jokes for the grown-ups snuck in, such as the smoke pouring out of the Mystery Machine which turns out to be Scooby and Shaggy making hamburgers or that Shaggy’s love interest’s name is Mary Jane (a joke that had already been used in Half-Baked by this point, but whatever).

I won’t belabor the plot, as it’s fairly straightforward. An island resort is returning people in a rather soulless state and Scooby-Doo and The Crew are hired to investigate. They uncover some weird characters, an ancient artifact, and eventually discover the Man in the Mask behind it all.

The plot isn't what carried this movie and makes it so beautiful. It’s the rather deep character interactions shining through the rather juvenile patina. There is a heart-to-heart scene where Velma reveals to Freddy that she’s always been uneasy being paired up with him for investigations, because he preferred Daphne and was only interested in swimsuit models. Fred replies with a well-intentioned, “Nerdy girls like you turn me on too!”

                                           Nerdy girls everywhere appreciate that, Freddy.

On a similar note, there is a scene in which the souls of the four main characters are switching about willy-nilly, thanks to the Daemon Ritus. Shaggy, after having already been in the others’ bodies, lands in Daphne’s. He’s so distracted by how hungry she is that he completely ignores the conversation going on to lament that she never eats.

Aside from touching on such a universal topic as low self-esteem, Scooby-Doo: The Movie canvasses the important aspects of friendship, from overcoming conflicts to trusting each other. The movie begins with Mystery Inc. having had a falling out and refusing to work with each other. They seem to grate on each other at several points during the movie, alternating between the love that comes so naturally between them and reliving the pain of their separation. The scene that brings them together, finally and completely, is a speech
that Shaggy delivers after Scooby leaves the group. The others are afraid to go rescue him because these monsters are real and they aren’t prepared for that.

Shaggy tells them that that’s his best friend in there and he doesn’t care what stands between them. He’s going to do what he always does and eat a Scooby Snack and save his friend. Fred calls Velma “the Velmster”, prompting her to tearfully reply that he can’t just win her over by giving her her own nickname. Daphne says that all she’s good at is being captured; Fred smiles and says that’s never stopped her before. With their confidence in themselves (and each other) restored, they head in to rescue Scooby.



                             Sacririce?

The movie, from that point, is more or less a mock-up of Temple of Doom, complete with a well of souls. Mondavarious, played by Rowan Atkinson, has captured the Daemon Ritus and is going to use Scooby’s pure soul to become all-powerful and destroy humanity.

Then comes the best twist in any movie, ever. (Suck it, M. Night.)

The villain was Scrappy-Doo the whole time. Scrappy-Doo in a Mr. Bean mech.


                         PUPPY POWER!

He is defeated by the combined efforts of Mystery Inc. and Shaggy delivers the line, “Geez Scrappy, you didn’t have to freak out like a jerk and try to destroy humanity” with the perfect amount of seriousness and disappointment.

I know that Scooby-Doo: The Movie met with mediocre critical reviews but frankly, I don’t care. This movie is uplifting and touching, it hits every beat flawlessly, and the casting and direction are perfect. Also, I can’t help but grin like an idiot when Shaggy grabs Daphne’s purse to retrieve a Scooby Snack and save his best friend.

Hellraiser II: Hellbound (2Hell2Raiser: The Hellening)

I’m going to kick this thing off talking about a film from one of my favorite franchises: Hellraiser. Having just rewatched Hellbound a couple of night ago, it’s still fresh in my mind. Hellbound is a movie that is very close to my…liver? Spleen? Somewhere in there.

Hellbound is the second appearance of Kirsty Cotton.

      Kirsty Cotton: Badass Heroine Extraordinaire 

Kirsty plays an important role in three of the Hellraiser movies (technically, she’s in four of them, but her appearance in Hell on Earth is brief). Over the course of her tenure as The Girl Who Constantly Escapes The Cenobites, she matures from Screaming Dingus to Hard-ass Bitch. Kirsty’s journey is a delightful B-plot that stretches through the mythos. In Hellbound, she starts the film a shell-shocked patient in a mental ward, having been found in her family’s home with the remains of, well, her family. The psychiatrist isn’t buying her story of demons and skinless uncles, so she’s kept under close watch. All is going normally enough until she sees this:

                     

Kirsty becomes convinced that, with the help of Dear Kyle (played by Lt. Gorman), she needs to rescue her father from Hell. Because that’s really helping your case for sanity, Kirsty. Fortunately Dear Kyle is a well-intentioned and nosey kind of guy, because he discovers that the head psychiatrist, one Dr. Channard, is actually a REALLY EVIL DUDE. [Note to readers: if you ever find yourself in a horror film and there’s a psychiatrist hanging around, he’s the bad guy.] Channard has not one but three puzzle boxes and is intent on seeing all of the sights or whatever shit. He’s even gone so far as to abduct and lobotomize a little girl’s mother because the little girl is a pale waif in a horror movie and therefore magical.

Our Dear Kyle gets to witness the rebirth of Julia. That bitch. Convinced that Kirsty is attractive and sane, he rushes off before having to watch Channard make out with a skinless she-demon. We are not spared.

                                   He grabs her wet, skinned ass. We get an up-bandage shot.

While Kirsty and Dear Kyle are searching for her clothes, Julia kills a lot of people who are mostly topless women. Our Dear, Sweet, Trusting Kyle goes back to Channard’s to search the place and is…wooed? Bewitched? I don’t really understand Julia’s pull, since she looks like an 80s mom, but she mindfucks Kyle and jams her hand in his brain. While this is happening, Kirsty is playing a point-and-click adventure with Channard’s office and pockets a picture of a man who looks suspiciously like Doug Bradley.  

Our delightful little mute albino aspie opens the Lament Configuration. The Cenobites come, all leather and screeching noises and disturbing sexuality. Pinhead shows his Lawful Evil alignment by stating, “It is not hands that call us. It is desire.” The Cenobites turn on Channard and Julia. Here’s where things get weird. Suddenly Tiffany (our mute puzzle-child), Kirsty, Channard, and Julia are all inside the box itself, in the realm of Leviathan, the god of desire that the Cenobites serve. Or something. Julia, at least, serves Leviathan. She says as much when she pushes Channard into the Play-Doh Make Your Own Cenobite Machine.

The realm inside the puzzle box is pretty generic horror fare; the nightmares of Kirsty and Tiffany are brought to life. Tiffany sees her mother’s torture, a creepy baby sewing its own mouth shut, and a clown juggling his own eyes. Kirsty sees her father’s house filled with candles and naked people writhing under sheets. There is a confrontation with Uncle Frank that ends in Kirsty setting him on fire (hell yes!).

The Cenobites decide that they are done with Kirsty’s teasing. This scene was strange to me the first time through, because they didn’t have much dialog in the first movie. Here, however, Female Cenobite is taunting Kirsty for being a tease and Pinhead is stating threats low and matter-of-fact in the way that he does. Kirsty reveals the picture she stole from Channard’s office, exposing that the Cenobites were once human! This is an important turning point, as the newly formed Channard-Cenobite then bursts in, singing like a cartoon alligator and making really awful medical puns. Oh, and having a giant, throbbing penis attached to his head.

Channard, somehow, I can’t explain it so don’t ask, manages to best four of his obvious betters. Female Cenobite is a rather pretty lass, revealed by her death. Butterball is, as expected, a chubby dude. The Chatterer is a young boy, no more than twelve or thirteen. That moment was heart-wrenching for me.

Pinhead holds off Channard so the girls can escape, ultimately paying for his moment of heroism with his life. (Don’t worry, Pinhead is back in the next movie and the others all come back eventually.) But damn if Channard isn’t intent on making little spergy Tiffany into a Cenobite too, though that’s mainly to stop her from solving the puzzle that will free them. Kirsty, in an epic maneuver of bad-assery, puts on Julia’s empty skin and makes out with Channard until Tiffany solves the puzzle, then rescues Tiffany from falling to her death. Let that sink in for a second. Kirsty slipped into the shed, slimy skin of her hated step-mother to save this little girl. Talk about bravery. Now think…Julia’s dead and empty skin still manages to seduce men. Yeah.

The girls get out. Channard does not. There’s a walk off into the sunset that implies that Kirsty and Tiffany are bffs now. There is a minor epilogue featuring a moving guy getting sucked into the cursed mattress and a weird flesh pillar rising out. This seems like a complete throwaway, but it’s an important part of Hellraiser III, which should tell you something about Hellraiser III.

                                                       His name is CD. He shoots CDs. 

Personally, I really enjoyed getting a more in-depth look into the origins and history of the Cenobites, but I’m glad that it was made a side plot, not the main focus of the film. History of the puzzle box gets to take the fore in Bloodlines and it leaves something to be desired. (Bloodlines in the inevitable In Space installation of any 80s horror franchise.) Ashley Lawrence’s acting has matured a bit at this point and she delivers everything from fear to anger to bitter sarcasm without a hitch. Imogen Boorman does a lovely job as our wunderkind. And Doug Bradley is, without exception, amazing. It’s hard to believe that he wasn’t an actor before a friend asked him if he wanted to carry the mattress or wear the Pinhead makeup!