Scooby-Doo: The Movie

There is objectively nothing wrong with this film. The casting couldn’t have been better. Everyone acted their roles to an absolute tee. I’m fairly sure that Matthew Lillard is just Shaggy in real life.  

The plot is everything you would expect from a Scooby-Doo romp, but with enough actual plot to keep it going for an hour and a half. There are several jokes for the grown-ups snuck in, such as the smoke pouring out of the Mystery Machine which turns out to be Scooby and Shaggy making hamburgers or that Shaggy’s love interest’s name is Mary Jane (a joke that had already been used in Half-Baked by this point, but whatever).

I won’t belabor the plot, as it’s fairly straightforward. An island resort is returning people in a rather soulless state and Scooby-Doo and The Crew are hired to investigate. They uncover some weird characters, an ancient artifact, and eventually discover the Man in the Mask behind it all.

The plot isn't what carried this movie and makes it so beautiful. It’s the rather deep character interactions shining through the rather juvenile patina. There is a heart-to-heart scene where Velma reveals to Freddy that she’s always been uneasy being paired up with him for investigations, because he preferred Daphne and was only interested in swimsuit models. Fred replies with a well-intentioned, “Nerdy girls like you turn me on too!”

                                           Nerdy girls everywhere appreciate that, Freddy.

On a similar note, there is a scene in which the souls of the four main characters are switching about willy-nilly, thanks to the Daemon Ritus. Shaggy, after having already been in the others’ bodies, lands in Daphne’s. He’s so distracted by how hungry she is that he completely ignores the conversation going on to lament that she never eats.

Aside from touching on such a universal topic as low self-esteem, Scooby-Doo: The Movie canvasses the important aspects of friendship, from overcoming conflicts to trusting each other. The movie begins with Mystery Inc. having had a falling out and refusing to work with each other. They seem to grate on each other at several points during the movie, alternating between the love that comes so naturally between them and reliving the pain of their separation. The scene that brings them together, finally and completely, is a speech
that Shaggy delivers after Scooby leaves the group. The others are afraid to go rescue him because these monsters are real and they aren’t prepared for that.

Shaggy tells them that that’s his best friend in there and he doesn’t care what stands between them. He’s going to do what he always does and eat a Scooby Snack and save his friend. Fred calls Velma “the Velmster”, prompting her to tearfully reply that he can’t just win her over by giving her her own nickname. Daphne says that all she’s good at is being captured; Fred smiles and says that’s never stopped her before. With their confidence in themselves (and each other) restored, they head in to rescue Scooby.



                             Sacririce?

The movie, from that point, is more or less a mock-up of Temple of Doom, complete with a well of souls. Mondavarious, played by Rowan Atkinson, has captured the Daemon Ritus and is going to use Scooby’s pure soul to become all-powerful and destroy humanity.

Then comes the best twist in any movie, ever. (Suck it, M. Night.)

The villain was Scrappy-Doo the whole time. Scrappy-Doo in a Mr. Bean mech.


                         PUPPY POWER!

He is defeated by the combined efforts of Mystery Inc. and Shaggy delivers the line, “Geez Scrappy, you didn’t have to freak out like a jerk and try to destroy humanity” with the perfect amount of seriousness and disappointment.

I know that Scooby-Doo: The Movie met with mediocre critical reviews but frankly, I don’t care. This movie is uplifting and touching, it hits every beat flawlessly, and the casting and direction are perfect. Also, I can’t help but grin like an idiot when Shaggy grabs Daphne’s purse to retrieve a Scooby Snack and save his best friend.

Hellraiser II: Hellbound (2Hell2Raiser: The Hellening)

I’m going to kick this thing off talking about a film from one of my favorite franchises: Hellraiser. Having just rewatched Hellbound a couple of night ago, it’s still fresh in my mind. Hellbound is a movie that is very close to my…liver? Spleen? Somewhere in there.

Hellbound is the second appearance of Kirsty Cotton.

      Kirsty Cotton: Badass Heroine Extraordinaire 

Kirsty plays an important role in three of the Hellraiser movies (technically, she’s in four of them, but her appearance in Hell on Earth is brief). Over the course of her tenure as The Girl Who Constantly Escapes The Cenobites, she matures from Screaming Dingus to Hard-ass Bitch. Kirsty’s journey is a delightful B-plot that stretches through the mythos. In Hellbound, she starts the film a shell-shocked patient in a mental ward, having been found in her family’s home with the remains of, well, her family. The psychiatrist isn’t buying her story of demons and skinless uncles, so she’s kept under close watch. All is going normally enough until she sees this:

                     

Kirsty becomes convinced that, with the help of Dear Kyle (played by Lt. Gorman), she needs to rescue her father from Hell. Because that’s really helping your case for sanity, Kirsty. Fortunately Dear Kyle is a well-intentioned and nosey kind of guy, because he discovers that the head psychiatrist, one Dr. Channard, is actually a REALLY EVIL DUDE. [Note to readers: if you ever find yourself in a horror film and there’s a psychiatrist hanging around, he’s the bad guy.] Channard has not one but three puzzle boxes and is intent on seeing all of the sights or whatever shit. He’s even gone so far as to abduct and lobotomize a little girl’s mother because the little girl is a pale waif in a horror movie and therefore magical.

Our Dear Kyle gets to witness the rebirth of Julia. That bitch. Convinced that Kirsty is attractive and sane, he rushes off before having to watch Channard make out with a skinless she-demon. We are not spared.

                                   He grabs her wet, skinned ass. We get an up-bandage shot.

While Kirsty and Dear Kyle are searching for her clothes, Julia kills a lot of people who are mostly topless women. Our Dear, Sweet, Trusting Kyle goes back to Channard’s to search the place and is…wooed? Bewitched? I don’t really understand Julia’s pull, since she looks like an 80s mom, but she mindfucks Kyle and jams her hand in his brain. While this is happening, Kirsty is playing a point-and-click adventure with Channard’s office and pockets a picture of a man who looks suspiciously like Doug Bradley.  

Our delightful little mute albino aspie opens the Lament Configuration. The Cenobites come, all leather and screeching noises and disturbing sexuality. Pinhead shows his Lawful Evil alignment by stating, “It is not hands that call us. It is desire.” The Cenobites turn on Channard and Julia. Here’s where things get weird. Suddenly Tiffany (our mute puzzle-child), Kirsty, Channard, and Julia are all inside the box itself, in the realm of Leviathan, the god of desire that the Cenobites serve. Or something. Julia, at least, serves Leviathan. She says as much when she pushes Channard into the Play-Doh Make Your Own Cenobite Machine.

The realm inside the puzzle box is pretty generic horror fare; the nightmares of Kirsty and Tiffany are brought to life. Tiffany sees her mother’s torture, a creepy baby sewing its own mouth shut, and a clown juggling his own eyes. Kirsty sees her father’s house filled with candles and naked people writhing under sheets. There is a confrontation with Uncle Frank that ends in Kirsty setting him on fire (hell yes!).

The Cenobites decide that they are done with Kirsty’s teasing. This scene was strange to me the first time through, because they didn’t have much dialog in the first movie. Here, however, Female Cenobite is taunting Kirsty for being a tease and Pinhead is stating threats low and matter-of-fact in the way that he does. Kirsty reveals the picture she stole from Channard’s office, exposing that the Cenobites were once human! This is an important turning point, as the newly formed Channard-Cenobite then bursts in, singing like a cartoon alligator and making really awful medical puns. Oh, and having a giant, throbbing penis attached to his head.

Channard, somehow, I can’t explain it so don’t ask, manages to best four of his obvious betters. Female Cenobite is a rather pretty lass, revealed by her death. Butterball is, as expected, a chubby dude. The Chatterer is a young boy, no more than twelve or thirteen. That moment was heart-wrenching for me.

Pinhead holds off Channard so the girls can escape, ultimately paying for his moment of heroism with his life. (Don’t worry, Pinhead is back in the next movie and the others all come back eventually.) But damn if Channard isn’t intent on making little spergy Tiffany into a Cenobite too, though that’s mainly to stop her from solving the puzzle that will free them. Kirsty, in an epic maneuver of bad-assery, puts on Julia’s empty skin and makes out with Channard until Tiffany solves the puzzle, then rescues Tiffany from falling to her death. Let that sink in for a second. Kirsty slipped into the shed, slimy skin of her hated step-mother to save this little girl. Talk about bravery. Now think…Julia’s dead and empty skin still manages to seduce men. Yeah.

The girls get out. Channard does not. There’s a walk off into the sunset that implies that Kirsty and Tiffany are bffs now. There is a minor epilogue featuring a moving guy getting sucked into the cursed mattress and a weird flesh pillar rising out. This seems like a complete throwaway, but it’s an important part of Hellraiser III, which should tell you something about Hellraiser III.

                                                       His name is CD. He shoots CDs. 

Personally, I really enjoyed getting a more in-depth look into the origins and history of the Cenobites, but I’m glad that it was made a side plot, not the main focus of the film. History of the puzzle box gets to take the fore in Bloodlines and it leaves something to be desired. (Bloodlines in the inevitable In Space installation of any 80s horror franchise.) Ashley Lawrence’s acting has matured a bit at this point and she delivers everything from fear to anger to bitter sarcasm without a hitch. Imogen Boorman does a lovely job as our wunderkind. And Doug Bradley is, without exception, amazing. It’s hard to believe that he wasn’t an actor before a friend asked him if he wanted to carry the mattress or wear the Pinhead makeup!